01-16-2014, 02:24 AM
Hello Ryan:
Although I enjoyed many aspects of this poem, I am not crazy about the over abundance of 'ing' words in a piece. First, they tend to weaken all of the stem words that they modify. Then, they create a 'yawning-sawing' sound that drowns out any other sonics the poem may have.
You could achieve a more decisive voice and lovely sound by simply eliminating them. What about something like:
Mental Unrest
Mind never rests. Relentless unease attests
to empty shells muddling through streets with attention arrested.
An incomprehensible sight, a mind digests
yet, unable to understand self detest.
Alone in this place, no one accepts
that a mind never rests, as relentless unease attests.
This was done rather quickly, but you can get my drift. You may want to look over your punctuation too. See what you think? Cheers/Chris
Although I enjoyed many aspects of this poem, I am not crazy about the over abundance of 'ing' words in a piece. First, they tend to weaken all of the stem words that they modify. Then, they create a 'yawning-sawing' sound that drowns out any other sonics the poem may have.
You could achieve a more decisive voice and lovely sound by simply eliminating them. What about something like:
Mental Unrest
Mind never rests. Relentless unease attests
to empty shells muddling through streets with attention arrested.
An incomprehensible sight, a mind digests
yet, unable to understand self detest.
Alone in this place, no one accepts
that a mind never rests, as relentless unease attests.
This was done rather quickly, but you can get my drift. You may want to look over your punctuation too. See what you think? Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris