The Paliform Precipice Part I

[justcloudy]

Hi Blake

I was able to make it all the way though this, so that wasn't my issue (although I often can't get through long poems). What was off putting for me was how little details were mentioned for no reason other than syllables (ex: Sorg rises to his feet, from his shin.) and then how big things were just swept over lightly at times (ex: Warring, their swords aggressively dance). Because of that sometimes I'd read a few stanzas and then realize I had no idea what I just read, and have to go back.

Also, is all the olde-speake really needed? Shan't and 'twould and all that? Makes it harder on the reader. I get that it's set in the times of kings etc, but it seems like it's trying too hard.

I agree with the other comments about the 9-syllable thing, and how the meter is often just weird. It's distracting.

Kudos for attempting something so long (you seriously have 7 more of these? Wow)! And most of the reason I made it to the end is because I wanted to know what happened, so that's a big point in its favor.

-justcloudy

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Just a thought-- might be interesting to see the other version of this one.