Night Moves

[71degrees]

I am no longer acquainted
with you;
when you speak to me
I do not know
what to say

I wonder sometimes
if you remember
the birch trees
from the Beach Road house

They walked at night, moving
to different locations
in our yard, trying to warn us
about the future

The one at the corner
looked like a naked corpse,
like you look now: white
leafed hair, black spots
on slender branches

I remember cutting it down
in 1972; it was diseased,
and you said it was the right thing
to do

We cut it into smaller pieces,
stacking them like body parts
against our cellar door

I like the way you (mostly) show your reader a scene, and the emotional colouring comes from your tone rather than from the literal words.

I don't think I've commented on a poem of yours before - I'm straight-forward and of course speak from my own experience and in my opinion only.

1st stanza isn't needed. The sense of it is obvious from the rest of the text.

2nd stanza - I'd try for more strength by eliminating 'sometimes' and 'from' - should that be 'in' or 'at'? The 'house' isn't where the trees are/were, so lose that too.

3rd stanza - do you need both moving and walking?

4th stanza - The one at the corner has lost its place because of the moving around - maybe try just 'one looked like' 'like you look now' is such an intrusion - 'as you look now' would sound better, but is any of it needed here? Just 'one looked like a naked corpse; white / leafed hair ...

5th stanza - stronger if you omit "I remember' just 'I cut ...'

I like the strength in the closing. Well done.

Much to think about here (mostly…I'm also straight forward . The poem is about my Alzheimer father. Thank you for your read and suggestions.

---

I am no longer acquainted
with you;
when you speak to me
I do not know
what to say

I am no longer acquainted with you; when you speak to me I do not know what to say.

I am curious what criteria you are using for line breaks. I am also curious what you think distinguishes this from flat prose.

My criteria for line breaks is akin to the stokes of a painter, or even the color and shading itself. Or any other "artistic" decision in whatever medium is open. It's what strikes me as an artist in how I should deliver the intended image. A large portion of my edits have to do with how a poem looks on the page. I, too, am curious…why do you ask?

As for your second inquiry….what do you consider "flat prose?" Or for that matter, prose poetry? Again, just curious as to why you ask this instead of offering a critique of a "poem" that I don't consider falling into either category.

Regards, 71degrees