Gandhi's shadow-- edit 2

[ellajam]

Hi, cloudy, I think this edit has done a lot. S1 and S2 read smoother with the change of every to each, but I'd love to see a break on "weave" if it is possible.

I think the addition of more times really works to make me understand why you mentioned them to start with. I can now get the poem as that stopped minute when we see, and then move on.

I've liked the finger lift from the start, hope you continue to hold on to it. Thanks for the read, Although I sometimes get stumped on suggestions for you, I love watching you edit.

[i]I rewrote this two different ways as per the suggestions I got here. (Thanks rowens, Chris and billy.) I liked this version better.

edit 1
Each Tuesday at 9:10,
you come to drive me home,
and I try not to dirty my slacks
on the dented car door
plastered with brown.

Each Tuesday at 9:20,
at the intersection of the tramway
and Boulevard Gandhi,
we watch him weave between the cars
waiting for green under the bridge.

Between 9:20 and 9:21,
I consider his shaded leathered skin
stretched over crooked nose
and around a jutting jaw.
Traced with shadows of abuse,
his eyes don’t lift from hoods and tires.

Digital lights blink 9:22,
engines rev and he turns
his gaze towards me.
He doesn't stretch out a hand
simply lifts a finger pleading
one?



original
Every Tuesday evening at 9:10,
I try not to dirty my jeans
on the dented car door
streaked by the dust of your job
when you come to drive me home.

Every Tuesday at 9:20,
at the intersection of the tramway
and Boulevard Gandhi,
we see him weave between the cars
waiting for green underneath the bridge.

Shaded leathered skin stretches
over crooked nose, around a jutting jaw,
blackened by life's drop-kicks
and unsuspected parasites.

Wraiths of defeat besiege his frame,
an omnipresent boundary
seen in the shadows of abuse
that circle stoic eyes.

He doesn't stretch out hands
simply lifts a finger pleading
one?