01-12-2014, 07:21 AM
You talk like an educated lady. Then all of the sudden you throw out things like
Shaded leathered skin stretches
over crooked nose, around a jutting jaw,
blackened by life's drop-kicks
and unsuspected parasites.
And other poems, you'll be carrying on with a narration then just throw some fragments in trying to describe something.
I said sophisticated ebonics. Everything is sounding fine, dull and proper, then you say things like
I consider his shaded leathered skin
stretched over crooked nose
and around a jutting jaw.
Traced with shadows of abuse,
his eyes don’t lift from hoods and tires.
Those are sentences all right, but this is better than some of your other poems I had in mind.
As for this poem, it isn't so bad. Not in your last version. You have reckless meanderings, stops and starts, but it's not so bad. I am doing this, and I say so to you, and he has done this which I see, end. I'm not saying anything positive or negative, just my impressions.
Shaded leathered skin stretches
over crooked nose, around a jutting jaw,
blackened by life's drop-kicks
and unsuspected parasites.
And other poems, you'll be carrying on with a narration then just throw some fragments in trying to describe something.
I said sophisticated ebonics. Everything is sounding fine, dull and proper, then you say things like
I consider his shaded leathered skin
stretched over crooked nose
and around a jutting jaw.
Traced with shadows of abuse,
his eyes don’t lift from hoods and tires.
Those are sentences all right, but this is better than some of your other poems I had in mind.
As for this poem, it isn't so bad. Not in your last version. You have reckless meanderings, stops and starts, but it's not so bad. I am doing this, and I say so to you, and he has done this which I see, end. I'm not saying anything positive or negative, just my impressions.