01-11-2014, 10:20 AM
a good few vignettes of the Tuesday drive home. not sure if the [every Tuesday] lines could be better with something like [On Tuesdays at 9.10 PM]
i like the exactness the two times give the reader and wonder if 9 25 or 9 30 would enhance the routine of the poems content. the 1st 2 lines of the 4th stanza pulled me up simply because it didn't jell with the rest of the poem. but other than that i only had a few nits.
thanks for the read.
i like the exactness the two times give the reader and wonder if 9 25 or 9 30 would enhance the routine of the poems content. the 1st 2 lines of the 4th stanza pulled me up simply because it didn't jell with the rest of the poem. but other than that i only had a few nits.
thanks for the read.
(01-10-2014, 09:07 PM)justcloudy Wrote: Every Tuesday evening at 9:10,
I try not to dirty my jeans
on the dented car door
streaked by the dust of your job
when you come to drive me home.
Every Tuesday at 9:20,
at the intersection of the tramway
and Boulevard Gandhi,
we see him weave between the cars
waiting for green underneath the bridge. is green, money?
Shaded leathered skin stretches for some reason i keep wanting to read this as stretched
over crooked nose, around a jutting jaw,
blackened by life's drop-kicks
and unsuspected parasites. would [unexpected], or [expected] work better
Wraiths of defeat besiege his frame, these 1st two lines feel too much, for me they don't fit the poem, sorry but my only suggestion is [are they needed?] the next 3 lines do the job all on their own for me.
an omnipresent boundary
seen in the shadows of abuse
that circle stoic eyes.
He doesn't stretch out hands
simply lifts a finger pleading it feels like there's a comma missing but i don't want to look like a fool and get it wrong
one?
