Living in Time

[71degrees]

if you use punctuation use it or don't use it. you use commas but not periods

i found the read okay with just a few nits. not sure the title adds anything but i got an impression from the poem of living in a rut and just accepting things for what they were. that it was easier to be together than it was to be apart.
thanks for the read.

As she brushes her hair,
she asks him to tell her is [her] needed as no one else is mentioned apart from the two of them?
a story with a happy ending

He tells her loving her again, is [her] needed
should be as simple
as putting a raspberry sounds like a fart...a suggestion would be another kind of fruit. maybe strawberry or such, of course it could just be my gutter of a mind
into his mouth

They both smile; in reality,
neither understands what either
is all about

Instead, he pours them each another no need for [instead]
glass of white wine; they put them
to their lips and drink for me [ they put them
to their lips] doesn't add anything, and sort of take from the closure of wine pouring which is symbolic enough on its own. (to drink on it)

I agree about the title. I rarely use the title I intend to use for the final draft. Not sure about fart vs raspberry. I'll chalk that up to your reason. Thanks for your nits.

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Banana. Banana. Banana.

No. No. No.

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This is my first critique, and I probably suck but here goes:

Very nice poem. Execution was very good, like some said the poem is very clear and concise. I was slightly thrown by the he-him-her-she referencing in the second stanza the first time around, but I don't think it's a problem really.

Suggestion: Cut the "Instead" at the beginning of the last stanza. It's not very clear (to me) what it refers to.

Irrelevant side note:
The "raspberry" part actually made me cringe, not because it was bad but, um, agreeably unpleasant. For some reason I imagined it in an "ugly" way (like 'up-close video/audio of an old person chewing food'-style realism).

Love and other nice things,

David

You don't suck, David. I appreciate you even sticking your nose in here to tell me Love and other nice things. I go back-and-forth about "instead"….to me it's the most important word in the poem. But instead, people pooh, pooh it