01-09-2014, 07:59 PM
I completely agree with mwhite regaring the rhyme, it's fluid and effortless when read aloud.
There's an understated sexiness throughout the piece and you've managed it well, it remains subtle rather than consuming the story, at no point does it become overbearing or tacky.
I think the opening stanza's are definitely the strongest, I would've liked to see you maintain the potency, instead I felt it got a little weaker as the poem progressed. The ending should be just as impactful, if not moreso, than the beginning.
Overall, I think this is an outstanding write for a novice.
There's an understated sexiness throughout the piece and you've managed it well, it remains subtle rather than consuming the story, at no point does it become overbearing or tacky.
I think the opening stanza's are definitely the strongest, I would've liked to see you maintain the potency, instead I felt it got a little weaker as the poem progressed. The ending should be just as impactful, if not moreso, than the beginning.
Overall, I think this is an outstanding write for a novice.