12-25-2013, 08:45 AM
I disagree, rayheinrich, with your description. It occurs to me as a rusting machine against a desert surface, and the thought is, this machine will decay to sand. Let me give it another read before I critique it . . .
< a wonderful life >
(ignore line breaks, read as a single sentence)
--is this part of the work? If not, brackets are more appropriate than parens.
Solid iron primitive steel
before they got to you so
refined here you your face
you using it as a brush a
pencil a stuttering picture
movie manipulated freeze
frame slow motion solid iron
never a thought of fragile
before it broke before you
broke it me you the pronouns
start running personal a few
moments before this but NOT
fragile NEVER fragile a solid
iron primitive steel before
they got to you so refined
here you your face you using
it as a brush pencil pen stylus
of moods manic multitudes but
never you never they never you
as freeze frames as manipulated
frames slow motion solid iron
never a thought of fragile
before it broke before you broke
breakable before me not YOU me
not YOU iron primitive steel
just you just a few just a few
moments before this NOT fragile
solid iron before they got to
you so refined here you your face
you using it as a brush painting
a brush painting: < a wonderful life >.
- - -
Image: Old railroad bridge photo from U.S.Gov publication on bridge reclamation scanned, matted, and manipulated by me.
--ditto the above inserted comment. If this isn't meant to go w the text, bracket it.
Macro comment
"So" anticipates a "that" clause. You're using it as an intensifier. That's fine colloquially, but it throws me here. Also, in general, tighten and brighten by replacing intensifiers.
Overall, this is a poem about the decay of a strong structure. "They" have unsettled a bond, which is now in decay. There seems to be an out-of-context moment applied against the narrator's relationship. The piece examines the things the narrator feels in a pre-verbal moment, which forgives the repetition.
My opinion: your title serves as a lynchpin to understanding this (relatively) cryptic poem. But, somewhat unfortunately, there's an ambiguity with the same sentence--it's a wonderful life--spoken sarcastically. I don't think you an afford an ambiguous title.
I don't get much out of the left-hand column "captions." They're artfully noted, but they feel more intrusive than suggestive/helpful.
Overall, I like this poem. I'd like it more if, on the left, there were instances of the words. E.g., Instead of "manipulated," it could be, "Your sister asked simply . . ."
Hope this helps!
< a wonderful life >
(ignore line breaks, read as a single sentence)
--is this part of the work? If not, brackets are more appropriate than parens.
Solid iron primitive steel
before they got to you so
refined here you your face
you using it as a brush a
pencil a stuttering picture
movie manipulated freeze
frame slow motion solid iron
never a thought of fragile
before it broke before you
broke it me you the pronouns
start running personal a few
moments before this but NOT
fragile NEVER fragile a solid
iron primitive steel before
they got to you so refined
here you your face you using
it as a brush pencil pen stylus
of moods manic multitudes but
never you never they never you
as freeze frames as manipulated
frames slow motion solid iron
never a thought of fragile
before it broke before you broke
breakable before me not YOU me
not YOU iron primitive steel
just you just a few just a few
moments before this NOT fragile
solid iron before they got to
you so refined here you your face
you using it as a brush painting
a brush painting: < a wonderful life >.
- - -
Image: Old railroad bridge photo from U.S.Gov publication on bridge reclamation scanned, matted, and manipulated by me.
--ditto the above inserted comment. If this isn't meant to go w the text, bracket it.
Macro comment
"So" anticipates a "that" clause. You're using it as an intensifier. That's fine colloquially, but it throws me here. Also, in general, tighten and brighten by replacing intensifiers.
Overall, this is a poem about the decay of a strong structure. "They" have unsettled a bond, which is now in decay. There seems to be an out-of-context moment applied against the narrator's relationship. The piece examines the things the narrator feels in a pre-verbal moment, which forgives the repetition.
My opinion: your title serves as a lynchpin to understanding this (relatively) cryptic poem. But, somewhat unfortunately, there's an ambiguity with the same sentence--it's a wonderful life--spoken sarcastically. I don't think you an afford an ambiguous title.
I don't get much out of the left-hand column "captions." They're artfully noted, but they feel more intrusive than suggestive/helpful.
Overall, I like this poem. I'd like it more if, on the left, there were instances of the words. E.g., Instead of "manipulated," it could be, "Your sister asked simply . . ."
Hope this helps!