12-20-2013, 10:54 AM
I didn't think I would like this after "Oh, the pain! / Yet, it's more a hurricane." That strikes me as a forced rhyme. However, after reading this several times, I've grown to like it. L5 could be cut down: lose either "Such strength" or "Such violence." I don't think the distinction is critical to understanding the poem. Cutting one of them would also help the meter. I must admit I don't understand your spacing. Also, is "Oh my!" a necessary line? I don't think so--cut it.