12-19-2013, 02:43 AM
Your meter is wonderful. Overall meaning is great. Couple of thoughts, mostly on grammar below:
Walking by the creek we cast our wary eyes
toward tightly tangled briars and thickened roots
looming up to trip us; we seek strong limbs
to hold ourselves upright, the thick mud
pulling, grasping firmly at our heavy boots.
Far ahead, just past downed trees and brambles,
rock to rock the children leap and rush,
entranced by toads and backward sprinting crayfish<.>
their shrieks and laughter rise into the air,
and mix with raucous singing of the wren and thrush.
Somehow we’re prey to cautiousness,<;> we <,>too<,>
in youth ran wild among these vines and trees,
building leafy forts to dream and play in,
chasing water snakes and catching minnows
far downstream from danger or unease.
With wild exuberance of youth now broken, tame
We, rigid, step away from pleasures calling;
how distant we have grown from the flush of early years
when we danced alone and raced through open fields,
back when we were not afraid of falling.
Overall, very strong piece. I enjoyed it quite a bit!
mel
Walking by the creek we cast our wary eyes
toward tightly tangled briars and thickened roots
looming up to trip us; we seek strong limbs
to hold ourselves upright, the thick mud
pulling, grasping
Far ahead, just past downed trees and brambles,
rock to rock the children leap and rush,
entranced by toads and backward sprinting crayfish<.>
t
and mix with raucous singing of the wren and thrush.
Somehow we’re prey to cautiousness,<;> we <,>too<,>
in youth ran wild among these vines and trees,
building leafy forts to dream and play in,
chasing water snakes and catching minnows
far downstream from danger or unease.
With wild exuberance of youth now broken, tame
W
how distant we have grown from the flush of early years
when we danced alone and raced through open fields,
back when we were not afraid of falling.
Overall, very strong piece. I enjoyed it quite a bit!
mel