12-13-2013, 06:13 PM
Hi Cloudy,
Nice to see you working on this one and keeping hold of the things that you want in the poem - esp the title. After Kieths comments i was won over to this more and more and now agree that it works just fine as it is.
A couple of thoughts / comments on your revision.
His grumbles snag on plastic branches
emerging from eleven months of peace.
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this tree,
three feet high and so naked even Charlie This line is still a bit of an odd one. I think it works well on meaning (which is plain enough). Perhaps it is the pairing of the childish image with such a emotive subject...but then Charlie brown always had such a tragic existance No suggestions just the thoughts - sorry not much help I know.
might sigh.
Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other half of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles,
torn off by hand painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this.
As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the effort The use of enclose sounds a bit soft and warm here. I associate being safe and sheltered with this word rather than trapped or locked in. I would like a more aggresive or hard expression here...? smother
and not even the window lets out a peep.
Resigned eyes survey this scene: his life
without her touch. Reminiscence fills the air, I have a conceptual problem with reminisance filling the air. I would suggest taking out the and from the start of the next line and changing the construction round to read something like :- Heavy with reminisance or thickend by reminisance
and salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe.
Still enjoying the read and likeing it more and more.
All the best AJ.
Nice to see you working on this one and keeping hold of the things that you want in the poem - esp the title. After Kieths comments i was won over to this more and more and now agree that it works just fine as it is.
A couple of thoughts / comments on your revision.
His grumbles snag on plastic branches
emerging from eleven months of peace.
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this tree,
three feet high and so naked even Charlie This line is still a bit of an odd one. I think it works well on meaning (which is plain enough). Perhaps it is the pairing of the childish image with such a emotive subject...but then Charlie brown always had such a tragic existance No suggestions just the thoughts - sorry not much help I know.
might sigh.
Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other half of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles,
torn off by hand painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this.
As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the effort The use of enclose sounds a bit soft and warm here. I associate being safe and sheltered with this word rather than trapped or locked in. I would like a more aggresive or hard expression here...? smother
and not even the window lets out a peep.
Resigned eyes survey this scene: his life
without her touch. Reminiscence fills the air, I have a conceptual problem with reminisance filling the air. I would suggest taking out the and from the start of the next line and changing the construction round to read something like :- Heavy with reminisance or thickend by reminisance
and salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe.
Still enjoying the read and likeing it more and more.
All the best AJ.