12-10-2013, 03:32 AM
(12-09-2013, 12:42 PM)Speaktaboo Wrote: She could pull a smile out of the mouth of hell.punctuation last three lines needs revision
I had never seen dead sunflowers printed on a dress.
I watched her, Skipping moss covered stones in a dry lake; no need to capitalize skipping, "moss-covered", would use a comma at the end and not a semicolon
chasing butterflies around bodies unburied. maybe "around unburied bodies"?
She was the last of them.
The last of us.
It had been eleven days since she'd eaten "she had eaten."
A mug half filled with water on her last day she looked back on the wars. this sentence doesn't make sense to me - is she holding the mug? Needs revision - since I'm not sure what you are saying it is hard to make suggestions. Definitely needs some type of punctuation
I think she was 11 or 12. might want to spell these out
11.
Infantries and investors. why the period?
Doctors, scientists, the churches. ditto above
The ones we dont see, the inbetween. in-betweens - again, punctuation
She was inbetween. do you want to say inbetween? in-between?
Now she was the only.
before she got too weak she would play and play. Before she became too...?
She was never afraid.
Never cried.
She didnt even drink the water didn't
I would think either use punctuation or don't - the mix of both is a bit off-putting. If I understand what you are saying, this has the potential to be quite moving. Hope you post an edit. Thanks.

