12-09-2013, 06:20 PM
He said
I would not like
the tune he hums
in his sleep
and he is unused
to the idea of another's
life form invading
his atmosphere.
Pivotal though
his concerns may be
a body at rest
tends to remain
that way, so I am
staying over. I'm unconvinced with the phrasing 'that way'. I love the wit of it, but it could be a little more elegant.
I remember
waking to the sound
of surf pounding sand
my lover's hand lazily circling - I think this line has one stress too many. For my taste. Particularly because all the other lines are such deft little units, I have here the feeling that something snags.
the lizard sunning on
my shoulder before landing
perfectly upon my breast. - 'upon' feels a bit contrived
If anyone needs me
I will be at the laguna
where I prefer my coffee
served au naturel . . . I am - I don't feel like the ellipse adds anything.
staying over.
[/quote]
So apart from these few notes, I really enjoyed this. There is lightness and wit and musicality. Thanks!
I would not like
the tune he hums
in his sleep
and he is unused
to the idea of another's
life form invading
his atmosphere.
Pivotal though
his concerns may be
a body at rest
tends to remain
that way, so I am
staying over. I'm unconvinced with the phrasing 'that way'. I love the wit of it, but it could be a little more elegant.
I remember
waking to the sound
of surf pounding sand
my lover's hand lazily circling - I think this line has one stress too many. For my taste. Particularly because all the other lines are such deft little units, I have here the feeling that something snags.
the lizard sunning on
my shoulder before landing
perfectly upon my breast. - 'upon' feels a bit contrived
If anyone needs me
I will be at the laguna
where I prefer my coffee
served au naturel . . . I am - I don't feel like the ellipse adds anything.
staying over.
[/quote]
So apart from these few notes, I really enjoyed this. There is lightness and wit and musicality. Thanks!