The Family in the Waiting Room Wants More - 2nd Revision

[jdvanwijk]

Hello beaufort,

I thought this was quite moving and original as well. Below some comments.

The Family in the Waiting Room Wants More

But there is nothing more I have to offer.Connecting the title with the first line works very well, draws the reader in immediately.
Although it can no longer speak,
the body has a language of its own,
and hers has told me this is her last refrain.I like the last three lines a lot, the only problem I have is with "her last refrain". It somehow sounds a bit cliché to me.

In the faint blue of this delicate skin,
I place neat black sutures, taking extra care
to make them beautiful and small
a steady hand the only thing left that I can give.This whole verse was excellent I think. Was it intentional to leave out punctuation in the third line?

This small body, ravished now and dying You might not even need "ravished now and dying". The final line of your poem might make a bigger impact when you leave this out.
nearly translucent in its lightness,
let loose from searing pain, slowly exhales "Searing pain" feels clichéd.
towards the arc of timelessness. "Arc of timelessness" to me really feels out of place: it sounds overly florid and "deep" compared to the rest of the poem.

My throat suddenly as dry as hers,
my own bones aching now and old, Switch "aching" and "now"?
I make my way down the long sterile hall
to speak the language of death.This whole last verse I found excellent and very moving; the last line also connects well with the images in the first verse.