my girls

[jdvanwijk]

Hello gilmored,

There's some lines that I like in this poem, but I feel there's a lot to work on as well. I did like the tenderness with which you describe the scene, though.

You sit there in your bed time clothes
wrapped up tight, in a curl, These first two lines I thought were simple but touching.
Only showing your cute little toes
Holding our baby girl. Somehow these two lines are a bit unclear for me. "Your cute little toes" seems to speak of a child, but when you say "our baby girl" the previous line seems to refer to your wife.

You two mean so much
Nothing can compare.These two lines feel weak to me. You essentially say the same thing twice; also, maybe you can think of another way altogether of showing the reader that they mean so much to you instead of simply stating it?
Cannons roar at every touch This image feels overly epic to me for the scene you describe.
I even love your hair. This feels like a total non sequitor and seems only inserted for the rhyme in the next line. It did make me giggle though.

Yours so dark like the midnight air
poppin' up everywhere.Again two lines that clash with each other. An "epic" image ("midnight air", which I find a bit cliché as well) and "poppin' up everywhere". The effect for me was humorous, but was that what you intended?
Hers still changing color,This line I like, the focus on hair changing color shows a lot without "telling"; maybe this thought could be expanded.
And curling here and there.

When my girls hold me
everything else is mist. This line sounds a bit awkward to me.
My heart is bound to you,
and our baby, we've been blessed.These last two lines feel cliché. I would again try to make the reader feel the importance of these persons through an image, instead of resorting to just telling it.

bring it on critics! give me your worst! i strive to improve, and work out the quirks. #1 revision