my girls

[ellajam]

Welcome, gil.

I found this a little too simple for those big, deep feelings you are talking about. Here are some notes.

You sit there in your bed time clothes
sitting covered, in a curl, you've already used sit, try something in place of sitting
Only showing your cute little toes I think these two lines are effective
Holding our baby girl.

You two mean so much these two lines are unnecessary IMO
Nothing can compare.
Cannons roar at every touch nice but I can't figure out what the sound has to do with the hair in the next line
I even love your hair.

Yours so dark and in a mess I think you could be more descriptive and original in these four lines
Going everywhere.
Hers still changing color,
And curling here and there.

My girls mean the world to me We get that, too blunt
Everything else is mist. lovely line
My heart belongs to one woman, again, try to be more original
And our baby we've been blessed.

bring it on critics! give me your worst! i strive to improve, and work out the quirks.

Looking forward to an edit, hopefully you'll get some more comments to help you zero in on weak spots while maintaining what is good here.

Hope you enjoy the site.