11-30-2013, 02:52 AM
The poem is more concise now. But I think you got rid of the best parts. It's your poem, and so I guess you kept what you felt to be the heart or core of it. But what I thought most interesting is what you cut out.
If only the thoughts didn’t do their daily work-out,
working their way free from the bondage of niggle to irritation,
then climaxing with my bad desire to communicate—to tell you how I feel about that habit or the dress that makes you look like grandma.
Why did you set me off?
Or did I set me off?
Meanwhile Lucifer,
now old; tired of revolving heads and horror movie re-runs, works diligently behind a newfound curtain.
Facebook and textifying,
Twittering and emailage,
ohhhh these new means of fear and disturbance,
All packaged up in something that can do good.
But so much evil as well.
The perfect disguise!
Relationships destroyed by a single text message,
embarrassing photos of a long forgotten misstep,
families separated when once adjoined.
All in the god of Social Networking.
If he could rejoice, he would!
10 points to the Pain team. Thank you.
There's still a lot to play around with in these ideas. Most of the rest of the poem was what I referred to as drivel, because it's the same old, same old. That stuff isn't very lively. It's rehashed again and again. Though you could make new separate poems out of many of the images you cut out of this one.
If only the thoughts didn’t do their daily work-out,
working their way free from the bondage of niggle to irritation,
then climaxing with my bad desire to communicate—to tell you how I feel about that habit or the dress that makes you look like grandma.
Why did you set me off?
Or did I set me off?
Meanwhile Lucifer,
now old; tired of revolving heads and horror movie re-runs, works diligently behind a newfound curtain.
Facebook and textifying,
Twittering and emailage,
ohhhh these new means of fear and disturbance,
All packaged up in something that can do good.
But so much evil as well.
The perfect disguise!
Relationships destroyed by a single text message,
embarrassing photos of a long forgotten misstep,
families separated when once adjoined.
All in the god of Social Networking.
If he could rejoice, he would!
10 points to the Pain team. Thank you.
There's still a lot to play around with in these ideas. Most of the rest of the poem was what I referred to as drivel, because it's the same old, same old. That stuff isn't very lively. It's rehashed again and again. Though you could make new separate poems out of many of the images you cut out of this one.