11-29-2013, 02:37 PM
Hey Glitter,
I've read this a bunch of times and although this edit is better than your original i still think you need to work a few things out. First thing stop forcing your rhymes like Rowens said they are boxing you into a corner. Loosen up....cut this down to the core of your thoughts. If you must rhyme don't be stiff with it create a rhythm and hold the form throughout.
loose example:
I sit down with my head against the wall, (the last word here will rhyme with my third line)
too drunk for this, too high for this,
Jesus Christ! i hope i don't fall.
well that's pretty awful but you get the idea right? Ride the pattern out....
Also: Never give up.
Smoke in the neon lights reflect my pain tonight, ( I really like this. If this were my poem i'd open with this. It is a very good line.)
Cheers,
Chazz
I've read this a bunch of times and although this edit is better than your original i still think you need to work a few things out. First thing stop forcing your rhymes like Rowens said they are boxing you into a corner. Loosen up....cut this down to the core of your thoughts. If you must rhyme don't be stiff with it create a rhythm and hold the form throughout.
loose example:
I sit down with my head against the wall, (the last word here will rhyme with my third line)
too drunk for this, too high for this,
Jesus Christ! i hope i don't fall.
well that's pretty awful but you get the idea right? Ride the pattern out....
Also: Never give up.
Smoke in the neon lights reflect my pain tonight, ( I really like this. If this were my poem i'd open with this. It is a very good line.)
Cheers,
Chazz