Fighting life, edit 2

[tomoffing]

edit 1, thanks Chazz, rowens and tom

For honor’s sword they marched along
to where they were not welcome.
Wreckage cluttered their footsteps,
but wrecking left them broken.

Casting down shadows of rust,
while climbing over dead men,
with wild eyes and streaming hair,
they howled for hope and heaven.

On far-flung stage they stumbled on
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
for stopping was no option.



original

For honor’s sword they went along
to where they were not welcome;
they left havoc in their wake,
but wrecking left them broken.

Their shadows rust, and looks downcast,
they stumbled over dead men.
Their eyes were wild and feet immense;
they howled for hope and heaven.

On far-flung stage they clambered on
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
hearts could no longer open.

Great improvements Cloudy,

Lines 3 and 4 still stutter rhythmically, but i'm sure you will work that out in due course.

You can do more with L3, S2. Its a bit flat. Perhaps try to work both adjectives onto both nouns to add another layer? "their hair and eyes, wild and streaming"

Much prefer the new closing line.

Nice work.