11-29-2013, 08:29 AM
Hey Cloudy,
Similar to chazz, I was uncertain of your meaning in the first stanza.
I think you could develop your verbs to clarify that without altering your structure too much (as the rhythm is excellent with a couple of exceptions).
suggestions below.
quote='justcloudy' pid='148225' dateline='1385414202']
For honor’s sword they went along "went along" does not say soldiers to me. "marched headlong" maybe.
to where they were not welcome;
they left havoc in their wake,
but wrecking left them broken.
I enjoy the image you're constructing, but think you can do better with the language. also 'left havoc' doesn't work out loud , the sounds blend. what about,
"wreckage scattered in their wake,
the havoc left them broken"
or if you want to broaden this from only the soldiers you could try "havoc leaves us broken."
Their shadows rust, and looks downcast,
they stumbled over dead men. if they are looking down, why would they stumble?
Their eyes were wild and feet immense;
they howled for hope and heaven. great two lines, esp the second, beautiful alliteration.
On far-flung stage they clambered on clamber doesn't quite fit for me. feels as though it needs an object. And suggests something to be overcome, whereas I feel as though you are aiming for the inevitable or insurmountable element. (i could be wildly wrong)
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
hearts could no longer open. lovely finish but the rhythm could be improved in this last line.
[/quote]
On rereading my points, I think you could exchange stumble in S2 for clamber in S3 and improve both images??
You do as you please obviously, these are totally novice opinions.
Great work overall. I'll look forward to any edits/revisions.
Thanks
Similar to chazz, I was uncertain of your meaning in the first stanza.
I think you could develop your verbs to clarify that without altering your structure too much (as the rhythm is excellent with a couple of exceptions).
suggestions below.
quote='justcloudy' pid='148225' dateline='1385414202']
For honor’s sword they went along "went along" does not say soldiers to me. "marched headlong" maybe.
to where they were not welcome;
they left havoc in their wake,
but wrecking left them broken.
I enjoy the image you're constructing, but think you can do better with the language. also 'left havoc' doesn't work out loud , the sounds blend. what about,
"wreckage scattered in their wake,
the havoc left them broken"
or if you want to broaden this from only the soldiers you could try "havoc leaves us broken."
Their shadows rust, and looks downcast,
they stumbled over dead men. if they are looking down, why would they stumble?
Their eyes were wild and feet immense;
they howled for hope and heaven. great two lines, esp the second, beautiful alliteration.
On far-flung stage they clambered on clamber doesn't quite fit for me. feels as though it needs an object. And suggests something to be overcome, whereas I feel as though you are aiming for the inevitable or insurmountable element. (i could be wildly wrong)
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
hearts could no longer open. lovely finish but the rhythm could be improved in this last line.
[/quote]
On rereading my points, I think you could exchange stumble in S2 for clamber in S3 and improve both images??
You do as you please obviously, these are totally novice opinions.
Great work overall. I'll look forward to any edits/revisions.
Thanks