11-28-2013, 09:31 AM
For honor’s sword they went along
to where they were not welcome;
they left havoc in their wake,
but wrecking left them broken.
At first I didn't like wrecking; then I did. But I might change my mind.
Their shadows rust, and looks downcast,
What looks downcast? Oh, you mean their looks downcast, as in they look down?
they stumbled over dead men.
Their eyes were wild and feet immense;
they howled for hope and heaven.
On far-flung stage they clambered on
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
hearts could no longer open.
Some of the lines merge past and present, but maybe that's a good thing. Still, it feels rough in places.
You need to loosen up if you want to get rid of all the they/theirs; and if you want your poems to not feel stiff. Imagine all the different ways people talk, the many ways things can be said.
to where they were not welcome;
they left havoc in their wake,
but wrecking left them broken.
At first I didn't like wrecking; then I did. But I might change my mind.
Their shadows rust, and looks downcast,
What looks downcast? Oh, you mean their looks downcast, as in they look down?
they stumbled over dead men.
Their eyes were wild and feet immense;
they howled for hope and heaven.
On far-flung stage they clambered on
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
hearts could no longer open.
Some of the lines merge past and present, but maybe that's a good thing. Still, it feels rough in places.
You need to loosen up if you want to get rid of all the they/theirs; and if you want your poems to not feel stiff. Imagine all the different ways people talk, the many ways things can be said.