11-26-2013, 06:25 AM
I agree with a lot of what people have already said. Since no one mentioned it yet, though, I wanted to address meter.
Why not?
The reeds have fallen half in love with the ocean,
half in love with the green and mudded flats.
The grasses lean into the wind that holds them, --- I love the lilt of these first three lines, great natural iambic pentameter
Then push back towards the salted sand. --- the rhythm breaks down in this line - it's technically scannable but it feels like it's missing a couple of syllables
This marsh untended, the dark too deep to pierce - --- love love love the rhythm and consonance of 'the dark too deep to pierce'
All things outside the body are encumbrances.
The lily’s mouth slides open, its knuckles drag
against the silted earth. The gulls fall silent, --- first enjambment in the poem, yes? I think it works really nicely here. I like the heavy monosyllables of the second part - I might even push it, e.g. 'the gulls go still'
the heron lifts his leg then stops mid-air.
The moon hovers over the soggy earth. --- I don't like soggy, I'd like something more surprising there, e.g. rippling
God is dressed as a women tonight, and --- this enjambment is less effective - done for meter, I assume? Couldn't you get that last beat in there with an adjective or something? Also *woman
sits alone sipping expensive dram. --- because I'm a sucker for consonance, I'd do 'sits in solitude sipping...'
We, with heavy, clayed feet hum --- nice contrast clay:marshiness, and nice heavy beats to emphasize it
Our warm wet breath into the Holy Mount. --- Holy Mount threw me, I don't love it
I have no issue with it being a still, descriptive poem - actually I like how it gives a feeling of objective observation. I really enjoyed it, thanks for sharing.
Why not?
The reeds have fallen half in love with the ocean,
half in love with the green and mudded flats.
The grasses lean into the wind that holds them, --- I love the lilt of these first three lines, great natural iambic pentameter
Then push back towards the salted sand. --- the rhythm breaks down in this line - it's technically scannable but it feels like it's missing a couple of syllables
This marsh untended, the dark too deep to pierce - --- love love love the rhythm and consonance of 'the dark too deep to pierce'
All things outside the body are encumbrances.
The lily’s mouth slides open, its knuckles drag
against the silted earth. The gulls fall silent, --- first enjambment in the poem, yes? I think it works really nicely here. I like the heavy monosyllables of the second part - I might even push it, e.g. 'the gulls go still'
the heron lifts his leg then stops mid-air.
The moon hovers over the soggy earth. --- I don't like soggy, I'd like something more surprising there, e.g. rippling
God is dressed as a women tonight, and --- this enjambment is less effective - done for meter, I assume? Couldn't you get that last beat in there with an adjective or something? Also *woman
sits alone sipping expensive dram. --- because I'm a sucker for consonance, I'd do 'sits in solitude sipping...'
We, with heavy, clayed feet hum --- nice contrast clay:marshiness, and nice heavy beats to emphasize it
Our warm wet breath into the Holy Mount. --- Holy Mount threw me, I don't love it
I have no issue with it being a still, descriptive poem - actually I like how it gives a feeling of objective observation. I really enjoyed it, thanks for sharing.