11-25-2013, 05:53 AM
Quote:Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm 'round you like bees-
with jeers to smart, your rabbit heart,
we'd dance you to your knees.
Here you do not need the comma after "smart". I know it's there for your marked, rhyming caesura, but it's just incorrect, and noticeably so.
Quote:What led you to this as a child I missed,
but now I’ve learned the score-
in burlap sealed, in the potter's field,
lay a man that god ignored.
"lay a man".. really brings this home for me. Should it be lays?
I like it. TBH though I rather miss the yellow eyes and grey side chops image. It wasn't the line, but sentence that was bothering me.
Maybe someone else will comment. I'd like to see what others have to add.
Milo?