11-21-2013, 05:50 AM
"Your" should "you're", as in that context it's an abbreviation of "you are". This piece of dialogue is natural and well-written, but it doesn't suffice as a poem in and of itself, in my opinion. Maybe you could add some setting and characterisation, images etc.? Thank you for the read, and as they say to new MPs, welcome to the Pig Pen
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe