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#4
(03-20-2010, 09:01 AM)Larry Wrote:  tempered dawn skating is skating needed?
on ocean’s sapphire surface would the before ocean's help the flow
gliding through stillness acquired is gliding through needed?
from a spring hurricane’s carcass [

no I cannot call this quietness
but wounded silence stretching more a instead of but
across the broken docks to
cold dust dunes of once whole boulders
guarding the shore’s circumference big long sentence Sad

morning to me is no more
than the night it follows

i can still smell rain
amidst the sea breeze
with the changes you get;

tempered dawn
on the ocean’s sapphire surface
stillness acquired
from a spring hurricane’s carcass

no I cannot call this quietness
more a wounded silence
stretching across the broken docks
cold dust dunes of once whole boulders
guard the shore’s circumference

morning to me is no more
than the night it follows

i can still smell rain
amidst the sea breeze


love the last six lines, they work really well for me.

the skating and the gliding for me doesn't work. somehow i can't get to grips with the dawn skating. and the gliding feel vague as to ownership (sea or dawn)

seems like a lot but i think there's a publishable poem i it. thanks for the read. i always enjoy your stuff.
.
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Messages In This Thread
No title - by Larry - 03-20-2010, 09:01 AM
RE: No title - by billy - 03-20-2010, 09:16 AM
RE: No title - by addy - 03-20-2010, 10:15 AM
RE: No title - by billy - 03-20-2010, 01:29 PM



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