11-18-2013, 05:49 AM
I think the line change fits well. Your explanations of the reasons behind your writing help me to enjoy it more. However if you want to be a better poet, your themes should come from inside the poem itself. Or maybe not. Who am I to say. I do enjoy the subject though, and I'm glad I could help.
edit: bollocks to that theme coming from inside your poem stuff. I think you're doing well with your style. At least, it means more than a cascading juxtaposition of images forming a scene. Keep on keeping on. If you've got the time I could use your critique in the new account subforum. Only if you want to of course, not trying to guilt trip you :p
edit 2: I see that you capitalized the Am in I Am sent me. This helps to convey what you mean to say. On my first read through it seemed like a very awkward and grammatically incorrect way to say that you were sent. Capitalizing makes it clear that 'I Am' is closer to an entity, even though you're referencing oneness and... Yeah, good idea.
edit: bollocks to that theme coming from inside your poem stuff. I think you're doing well with your style. At least, it means more than a cascading juxtaposition of images forming a scene. Keep on keeping on. If you've got the time I could use your critique in the new account subforum. Only if you want to of course, not trying to guilt trip you :p
edit 2: I see that you capitalized the Am in I Am sent me. This helps to convey what you mean to say. On my first read through it seemed like a very awkward and grammatically incorrect way to say that you were sent. Capitalizing makes it clear that 'I Am' is closer to an entity, even though you're referencing oneness and... Yeah, good idea.