Marsh Prayer - Third Edit

[cidermaid]

I have not so much time to give this as it might deserve but will offer what i can for now.

Marsh Prayer

Why not? The title seems ok, if perhaps a little plain, it did not grab my attention when i saw it; but i do not get the why not question and in fact just ended up ignoring this as it is redundant to my read.

The reeds have fallen half in love with the ocean, This makes a much stronger opening line
half in love with the green and mudded flats. need to find a way round avoiding the repitition of half in love.
The grasses lean into the wind that holds them,
Then push back towards the salted sand. capitol of then not needed at start of line.

This marsh untended, the dark too deep to pierce - This line could be contracted by removing this marsh and made more interesting i think. Untended, a dark too deep to pierce.
All things outside the body are encumbrances. I am strugling with this line as you suddenly introduce a person / body referance and it jars the read. (Beyond this body lies a wilderness of desert). I need somehting that keeps the image of the marsh relationship, your current line, to my read, feels like it has teleported in from another poem
The lily’s mouth slides open, its knuckles drag love this image
against the silted earth. The gulls fall silent,
the heron lifts his leg then stops mid-air. ...And again this line has a real sense of action and emotion. Great lines

The moon hovers over the soggy earth.
God is dressed as a women tonight, and
sits alone sipping expensive dram.
We, with heavy, clayed feet hum don't need the second commar. hum seems ...well ho hum. How about resonate?
Our warm wet breath into the Holy Mount. suggest with instead of our. also I get the mount line but this is at odds with a marsh wich is flat so it jars my read...could you find another word to substitute...?place

As ever these are just my thoughts and opinion only use what is helpful.
I really liked the direction and emotion in your poem. All the best AJ