The ballad of dancing Willy rabbit heart (true-enigma edit)

[Charlesjoseph]

Hi, Chazz, heres a link to the site's format for posting an edit. It leaves the original for comparison.

Each time I read this I go sour on "beautiful black bastard".

Hey Ella,
I fixed the edit as you instructed thanks for the heads up.
I know that line is off-putting and horrible. I've tried to pull it out or just leave beautiful bastard but in my mind racism has/had it's place here. I'm not trying to defend the line but it is honest. Socially, willy and I lived in a very backwards environment.
Cheers
Chazz

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Thanks chris,

'knows you're crazy - except you'.

Yea i was thinking a pause would work well gonna throw it up
cheers
Chazz

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Hi Chaaz,

I like the edit. It's more direct. I like that it calls out the lobotomy. I like how the structure's more consistent. So, of course my one comment will foul that up.

I think you may want to change the lines around in this strophe:

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.

I think your line 4 here needs to be your line 3. Options for keeping the line consistency:

1. Cut and polyester pants
2. Blend the pants into the wobble those legs phrasing

Just something to think about.

Best,

Todd

Hey Todd,
So, of course my one comment will foul that up. Nah It's ok I understand what you mean i'll try a few things and see what i come up with.
Thanks as always for your input.
Chazz

P.S
I listened to your other poem this morning. i was gonna post to say i enjoyed it, so I might as well kill two birds here. Good work sir.

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Hi Chaaz,

I like the edit. It's more direct. I like that it calls out the lobotomy. I like how the structure's more consistent. So, of course my one comment will foul that up.

I think you may want to change the lines around in this strophe:

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.

I think your line 4 here needs to be your line 3. Options for keeping the line consistency:

1. Cut and polyester pants
2. Blend the pants into the wobble those legs phrasing

Just something to think about.

Best,

Todd
[/quote]

Sorry Todd,
But i think i'm a little clouded as to why you think it should change i'm not challenging you. But, can you elaborate. I know what you said was just a suggestion but all suggestions are valid.
Chazz

---

I think you may want to change the lines around in this strophe:

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.
[/quote]

I think your line 4 here needs to be your line 3. Options for keeping the line consistency:

1. Cut and polyester pants
2. Blend the pants into the wobble those legs phrasing

Just something to think about.

Best,

Todd
[/quote]

Sorry Todd,
But i think i'm a little clouded as to why you think it should change i'm not challenging you. But, can you elaborate. I know what you said was just a suggestion but all suggestions are valid.
Chazz