Molded by me

[ChristopherSea]

edit 2
My heaven's shape will not be constant;
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old--
rainbow-prisons that color the air.

My heaven will smell like mountainous slopes
from long ago, off highways outside Rio--
heady wet soil and wild bouquets
dirtied my toddler hands
as fresh storms filled the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies I hoard under guise,
as notes and silence hover
in the slowly stalling air.




edit 1
My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
rainbow-prisons floating through air.

My heaven will smell like mountainous slopes
off highways outside Rio-
trashheap smoke winds from damp ditches,
heady wet soil and tiny pink blooms
color my toddler hands. Eyes widen,
breath deepens, as fresh storms fill the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies I hoard under guise,
as notes and silence hover
in the slowly stalling air.





original
My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
floating rainbow-prisons
of lullabies.

My heaven will smell like the slope
off that mountain highway outside Rio-
solid green pocked by pink and red
heady mist lying heavy on shoulders
as fresh storm fills the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies in my soul
as notes and silence hover
in the deeply moving air.

Good morning cloudy! I like this a lot. I am probably late to the game, as you have already edited your poem twice. Nonetheless, there are a couple little bumps for me in this wonderful piece. ‘when four years old’ sounds better than ‘at’. I kept reading ‘colored the air’ to maintain tense (see if that holds for you). Something like ‘glide’ may fare better than ‘fly’ and ‘pound’ comes off a bit discordant, but I am uncertain what to substitute (perhaps strike or sing). Also, I want to know ‘under' what 'guise’? Some thoughts, should you want to edit further. Cheers/Chris