11-14-2013, 05:30 AM
My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
rainbow-prisons floating through air. -I quite enjoy this imagery, but I find the wording could perhaps be more direct. Also, a puncuation mark is needed after the first line.
My heaven will smell like mountainous slopes
off highways outside Rio-
trashheap smoke winds from damp ditches,
heady wet soil and tiny pink blooms
color my toddler hands. Eyes widen,
breath deepens, as fresh storms fill the air.- I find the shift in verb tense somewhat problematic, especially as it is out of line with the tense of the first stanza. Otherwise quite nice.
My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies I hoard under guise,
as notes and silence hover
in the slowly stalling air. - The line break after 'pound' is astonishing. Also 'hoard under guise', though I would be interested to know what the guise is, and why. But this would actually be my favourite stanza.
original
My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
floating rainbow-prisons
of lullabies.
My heaven will smell like the slope
off that mountain highway outside Rio-
solid green pocked by pink and red
heady mist lying heavy on shoulders
as fresh storm fills the air.
My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies in my soul
as notes and silence hover
in the deeply moving air.
[/quote]
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
rainbow-prisons floating through air. -I quite enjoy this imagery, but I find the wording could perhaps be more direct. Also, a puncuation mark is needed after the first line.
My heaven will smell like mountainous slopes
off highways outside Rio-
trashheap smoke winds from damp ditches,
heady wet soil and tiny pink blooms
color my toddler hands. Eyes widen,
breath deepens, as fresh storms fill the air.- I find the shift in verb tense somewhat problematic, especially as it is out of line with the tense of the first stanza. Otherwise quite nice.
My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies I hoard under guise,
as notes and silence hover
in the slowly stalling air. - The line break after 'pound' is astonishing. Also 'hoard under guise', though I would be interested to know what the guise is, and why. But this would actually be my favourite stanza.
original
My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
floating rainbow-prisons
of lullabies.
My heaven will smell like the slope
off that mountain highway outside Rio-
solid green pocked by pink and red
heady mist lying heavy on shoulders
as fresh storm fills the air.
My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies in my soul
as notes and silence hover
in the deeply moving air.
[/quote]