Ghosts (revision 3)

[Todd]

Okay, first thoughts: I think you're mostly there. The shorter lines help the blinking, moth smacking the window images. They enhance the content. The cuts improve the poem. Very minimal comments below:

Revision #2

The street lamp blinks light.--Here's something you could do here. If you changed the name of the street lamp to street light you could end the line on blink, light would be implied, and it would mirror the last line of this strophe.
Dies. Then blinks again.
Trapped inside the room,
a moth pares its wings on the glass,
falls to the windowsill, then does it again.--what really stands in this revision is the futility and the repetition. I like this a lot
My eyelids do the same.

I remember his mouth;
how the ghosts under his tongue
found mine, stayed there.--So much better
And the birds behind our eyes
drank too much to leave.

He told me there's a life
of everything, elsewhere.--elsewhere is an improvement. Just for the sonics alone
I'd be the flayed moth
that made it through the glass,
He, the sun--Love the breaks
and my guts would be warm
under him.--Love how this is broken up too

You've put a lot of work and thought into this, and it's paying off.

Best,

Todd