11-13-2013, 12:19 AM
[quote='violetdarling' pid='147019' dateline='1384267392']
[quote]
*revision 1*
The street lamp blinks some light, dies, then blinks again. (todd's right i think if you cut this it would be stronger.)
Trapped inside the room, a moth pares its wings
on the glass, falls to the windowsill, then does it again.
My eyelids do the same.
I remember his mouth;
how the ghosts under his tongue
slid through the gaps of his teeth, (perhaps you can cut the line completely it works well without it i think. (your decision)
found mine, stayed there.
And the birds behind our eyes
drank too much to leave.
He told me there's a life of everything (i think this is the line that's throwing me off)
somewhere else; one that isn't made of feathers.
I'd be the flayed moth that made it through the glass,
He, the sun, and my guts would be warmed under him. (condensing would be wise)
Maybe I should try taking the feather part out? (probably but maybe you can find a a way to clarify it?)
See how a different line would sound?
Thanks again for your generous words.
V
No worries,
Ok so I gave you a couple ideas based on what i could see. I still think the third verse needs some work but the guts are there... Last two lines should stay.
Good luck,
Chazz
P.s
If you don't already own a copy of this check it out i think you may like it
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Les_Fleurs_du_mal
[quote]
*revision 1*
The street lamp blinks some light, dies, then blinks again. (todd's right i think if you cut this it would be stronger.)
Trapped inside the room, a moth pares its wings
on the glass, falls to the windowsill, then does it again.
My eyelids do the same.
I remember his mouth;
how the ghosts under his tongue
slid through the gaps of his teeth, (perhaps you can cut the line completely it works well without it i think. (your decision)
found mine, stayed there.
And the birds behind our eyes
drank too much to leave.
He told me there's a life of everything (i think this is the line that's throwing me off)
somewhere else; one that isn't made of feathers.
I'd be the flayed moth that made it through the glass,
He, the sun, and my guts would be warmed under him. (condensing would be wise)
Maybe I should try taking the feather part out? (probably but maybe you can find a a way to clarify it?)
See how a different line would sound?
Thanks again for your generous words.
V
No worries,
Ok so I gave you a couple ideas based on what i could see. I still think the third verse needs some work but the guts are there... Last two lines should stay.
Good luck,
Chazz
P.s
If you don't already own a copy of this check it out i think you may like it
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Les_Fleurs_du_mal