Ghosts (revision 3)

[violetdarling]

*revision 1*

The street lamp blinks some light, dies, then blinks again.
Trapped inside the room, a moth pares its wings
on the glass, falls to the windowsill, then does it again.
My eyelids do the same.

I remember his mouth;
how the ghosts under his tongue
slid through the gaps of his teeth,
found mine, stayed there.
And the birds behind our eyes
drank too much to leave. ( i love everything from here up great work!)

He told me there's a life of everything,
somewhere else; one that isn't made of feathers.
I'd be the flayed moth that made it through the glass,
He, the sun, and my guts would be warmed under him. ( I love the lines i bolded perhaps a good ending)

(I get lost in the last verse. Please clarify what are you trying to say here? If i'm going to give advice I want to understand what your trying to say first instead of giving blunt feedback. Fill me in and then i'll give you my two cents.) Also this is really good and they should move it to mild critique.
Chazz

Hi there. Appreciate your feedback, thank you!

The last part.. it's all about the dream and the 'what if'.
Feathers are in relation to having the freedom to uproot/leave everything behind
(The birds behind the eyes are the dreams/wishes.. birds drinking too much is the weight of
knowing the dream will never be realised/tears) even though it's all but impossible.
I'm trying to give a sense of the pain of wanting someone that's always going to be out of reach. Guts: again, the last part being about 'what if's', in that other life, they would be together.. guts are a symbol of the vulnerability, how somebody can see inside- good and ugly. Pared/skinless/nude.

Hope that helps?

Maybe I should try taking the feather part out?
See how a different line would sound?

Thanks again for your generous words.

V