Molded by me

[heslopian]

My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
floating rainbow-prisons
of lullabies. Is this line needed? "Rainbow prisons" would be a fine ending. That aside, I love this verse. It's delicate and featherweight, really beautiful in its profound, poignant softness.

My heaven will smell like the slope
off that mountain highway outside Rio-
solid green pocked by pink and red
heady mist lying heavy on shoulders
as fresh storm fills the air. Should an "a" come before "fresh storm"? Again, though, that aside, this is a great verse. The shift in focus from memory and fantasy to a real, sensual landscape is handled well.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies in my soul I'm not crazy about "in my soul", but then I never like "soul" in poems. It's kind of a corny and obvious word, IMO. Though that may be because I spent my teen years reading "confessional" poems, which throw it around like emo confetti
as notes and silence hover
in the deeply moving air. Is "deeply" needed? This is a nice way to end the poem, though, with a return to memory and introduction of family.

I really really liked this poem. It's one of those rare ones which deals with a "spiritual" theme but isn't too weighed down by egotism. My critique is JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read