This is not my Landscape

[jdeirmend]

Brendan, I thought that there was a good deal to admire in this. My major criticism, on a conceptual level, is that although it evokes a lot, it is hard to give credulity to any number of potentially unifying themes. What emerges, consequently, seems to me a dilettantish sort of transgression that bites its own tongue off.

After all, if you're going to go to such lengths to say "fuck pretense," it doesn't serve your purpose to articulate it incoherently, i.e., by saying "pretense-fuck." Because then, you end up participating in the very thing you're decrying, and you fuck the reader with pretense. I realize this is very forward, but take it for what it's worth.

Part of the problem, I think, stems from the fact that there is quite a bit of "nonsense speak" as Chris already mentioned. Colloquialisms aside, there are some straight up violations of the norms of English grammar, and it's hard for me to tell if it's deliberate or not. If it's not deliberate, you might consider revising each of these. If it is, what can I say? You're having fun, and who I am to rain on your parade. Let's take a closer look.

They say, write from only river born truths
drenched in deluge, crest sunk, felted motions.
Write in ghost ribboned speak, purple flowered prose,
pink hearts bled red, watered skies and of starry oceans.
This is not my landscape
I am made of lead pipe

[/b]
L2: You're using 'deluge' as an adjective. Noun or verb. If you want to keep the word in there, consider revising the sentence around it.



Caravans of tears emerge in feigned hurt
draped in refuse, scavenged feeling balmed hearts.
Shall we, weeping gardens, clap with singled arm;
satisfied now, wrapped in gold lilt, paint farts.
This is not my landscape
I am made of lead pipe

[b]
L2: 'scavenged feeling balm hearts' is, of course, nonsensical. Nevertheless, what it evokes can be turned into a coherent trope or even an image, the latter being preferable IMO. I would suggest trying for that.


Mack truck poetry, fist fucked love holes, that's mine.
Dressed in refuge: nuclear me singing
carbon pressed joys, seismic measured hate speech.
Runaway dandy I, oiled up, clinging.
This is now my landscape
I am made of lead pipe

[b]
L2: Not clear if you meant to use refuse again? 'Dressed in refuge' doesn't seem to accord with the ideal of unpretentious, down-and-dirty poetry. It has a redemptive, edifying, pretentious connotation.
L3: 'seismic' is not an adverb. 'Seismically' would read better.
L4: This doesn't do much for me, not in terms of what it connotes or could possibly denote.

Again, I don't mean to be too harsh. I would reckon to say, even, that my criticism is as much an expression of artistic differences as anything. Of course, there are substantive reasons for such differences, but I've already offered those above. That's my two cents. I hope it is helpful.