Molded by me

[Todd]

Hi cloudy,

Just a few minor comments for you:

My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
floating rainbow-prisons
of lullabies.--This strophe is my favorite. It uses the image well, and makes heaven both a prison and a bedtime story at the same time. Great economy and imagery here

My heaven will smell like the slope
off that mountain highway outside Rio-
solid green pocked by pink and red
heady mist lying heavy on shoulders--None of this except for the next line actually has me smell much of anything. I think this is where you may need to work on it
as fresh storm fills the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers--I really like this line and especially the line break
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies in my soul
as notes and silence hover
in the deeply moving air.

It's a nice little piece. I didn't dislike the conclusion, but I felt there is a big drop off from S1.

Best,

Todd