To a Nation

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Hi Jae,

Nice piece. Here are some comments for you:

Slowly slowly catchy monkey,
the monkey catches, the house burns down--I like the cadence of this. I picture a juggling monkey catching torches. I may be off but I think line two may work better with misses

Quietly, quietly, listen closely,
to stained confessions of an egotistic clownstained or strained? Clown may work better as clowns.

Quickly, quickly, I hear them coming,
the clumsy beat of feet on ground

So wakie wakie you sleepy nation,
the dogs of war have hunt you down--Might be a better substitute for the cliched dogs of war. If you keep it maybe replace have with will

And from your wounds will grow no roses,
just deaths stale stench will there be found.--there will instead of will there probably. death's. I like the contrast with the roses, and I really like the roses line.

Just some thoughts,

Todd

Thanks Todd for the reply.
I took some of your edits, so thanks for them.
Just a few points.
For me the line "monkey catches" in my head was a monkey catching fire and burning down the house.
So maybe I'll take a look at that
The dogs of war cliché was intended, but yes you where right changed have for will.
Thanks again

Edit: Also thank you justcloudy for your comments.
They are much appreciated.