Ghosts (revision 3)

[violetdarling]

Hello

Much of this is pretty good, I wonder if you need all of the words though.

Dark settles on the walls, the street lamp blinks some
light, then dies, then blinks again. A moth- stuck inside
the room- pares its wings on the glass, falls to the
windowsill, then does it again. My eyelids do the same.

I don't think "dark settles on the walls" adds anything that the streetlight doesn't say better, I would trim it. Also, don't break on "some" unless you really are going to do something magical with the break (you don't here) I would say eliminate some entirely. I like pares, but is seems dishonest reportage, once a moth's wings are pared, they don't do it again. I would say don't ever break on "the". Some poem may come along some day that pulls it off and proves me wrong -- but it is doubtful.

The street lamp blinks and dies
then blinks again. A moth, trapped inside
pares its wings against the glass, falls
then tries again. My eyelids do the same.

or something along those lines.

I remember his mouth; how the ghosts under
his tongue slid through the cracks of his teeth,
found mine, stayed there. And the birds at the
backs of our eyes drank too much to leave.

I like "ghosts under his tongue" conceptually, but visually the only thing I get is halitosis. "how the" is superfluous. "Cracks of his teeth" suggests terrible oral health, maybe "cracks between his teeth"? "birds at the backs of our eyes" is another phrase that I lke conceptually but I cant make anything of it.

He told me there's a life of everything, somewhere
else; one that isn't made of feathers or concrete.
I'd be the flayed moth that made it through the glass,
He, the sun, and my guts would be warmed under him.

The first line is wordy and inefficient. Lives being made of feathers and concrete? I'm not surprised that lives aren't made of feathers and concrete, only that you are pointing it out. I don't think you developed this concept enough to suddenly allude to it. The last line, again, wordy and inefficient. "He, the sun that warmed my gust" is better but even that needs to be solidified.

Thanks for posting.

Thank you for the thoughtful review.
The advice is greatly appreciated!

I'll try explaining a bit of it: As far as "pares" goes, my thinking on that was of the moths
scales (mostly). A moth can indeed still fly once some or even most of these scales have been lost.
Moths loose some every time they fly/are touched/bang into something. They can also
fly if the edges of their wings are a little frayed (for lack of a better word), it may change
their flight path a little but it's doable. Pares, for me, fitted better than de-scaled, peeled,
Etc. Moths keep 'doing'. The guts part; when you're so totally in love that he sees inside of you.
The nude, vulnerability of trust ...
Hope this explained some of the thought process a little better on that part at least.
I'll look into trying on some of your suggestions; see how they feel. Thanks again.




V.