Feathers: Edit number 3!

[Todd]

Hi Stephanie, I think this is much improved. There are moments where I think you hold too tightly to the narrative, but I'll give comments on that below.

OK here is my first edit on this piece. I have left the original below.


Girls gathered on the shore


Glassy pebbles dreaming to skim
across sheets of fairy-tale blue--I like the addition of fairy-tale blue. Glassy makes the girls seem like reflective surfaces. They don't have much on the inside. They are more influenced by what they come into contact with.
unaware that once the skipping ends
they will plunge into the murk.

In youthful sunlight they comb the beach--Youthful sunlight is nice.
as petals on a summer breeze--Nice simile.
fingers dusted with yellow hope--Not sure what yellow hope is
longing only to be discovered.--If they are combing the beach aren't they the ones doing the discovering? You may want them more passive at this point. They may be like delicate shells washed up on the shore perhaps that would be better than the petals, or something to that effect.

Treasure packed beneath uncut skin--uncut like a diamond? Is that what you are going for?
remains unclaimed, squinted away in the dazzle--squinted away seems a bit awkward
of myths peddled like drugs at bedtime;--drugs may be a little strong, and a bit of a mixed image. Like breadcrumbs leading to a gingerbread house--something more like one of those myths.
lies of shining knights and true love’s kiss.--This is perfectly good. Maybe the myth needs to be a princess myth above

Taught to seek white feathers,
this one captivated with slight of hand. --maybe, "as one captivated by sleight (note the typo) of hand"
she curled it like a pearl,--Like this quite a bit
a secret treasure in wide-eyed hands.--wide-eyed hands is an odd but pleasing phrase

Smoke deceived like a protective blanket,--Here you go off a little bit with your symbols, and lose your focus in my opinion
laughter round the fire a honeyed charm inside her ear.--I like the honeyed charm being laughter still. And I realized you introduced smoke, but fire and smoke still seem out of place. You can destroy the feather with them later, but they feel intrusive here
Fluttering lightly as a bird
the grass beneath her feet never felt more deliciously like spring.--You might want a line break after felt.

His boyish eyes betrayed no menace
spoke only of belonging,
of being a queen among the many bees.
A smile made her believe she was in her story.

--This transition is rough. I would probably kill this strophe and the next one, and move right into "a light ruffle". This is sort of what I meant earlier by holding the narrative too tightly. You are making the story move forward at the expense of the story when all you need to do is imply the contact.

The birds in the trees panicked,
screeched warnings she couldn’t comprehend
ears too choked with swarms of crippling lies
their songs sang out words she’d never even heard.

A light ruffle against her neck--If you wanted to salvage anything from the above strophes you could blend his boyish eyes in here somewhere. That said, leave out the comment about menace (too forced).
the air sweet candy floss and apple blossom,
a delicate brush against her cheek, --Alternatively, you could easily just add His fingers brushed against her cheek. It really doesn't need to be more than that
with each step back she began disappear.--step is wrong here in any event. Touch is probably the word you want. You need a "to" before disappear

In a caravan of roses, brambles cutting
at her feet, he pressed down heavy on her toes.
She kept on smiling;
it was the only face she knew. --good line

He did not bother to throw far,--If you eliminate far and the comma you can move into the next line better, and have the same effect
chipped glass against the rocky shore
marsh marking stains on summer frock,--"a" before summer
bleeding into skin, bone and blood. --like this

The taste of rot rough against her tongue, --cut this
it demanded a new language.--great line
The feather in her hand gritty ash--Make this perhaps the first line of this strophe
she covered her mouth, felt it scratch against her lips.--Like the ending.

Great edit. I hope some of this is helpful.

Best,

Todd