Puzzled piece, edit 3

[SirBrendan]

So I've read this poem at least a dozen times. At certain reads I really liked it, and others I didn't. It's a very heavy playful

This just spilled out. I'm out of practice. Both feet in.

________


A part of me detangled
from webs of veins and nerves
jumped off like breaded ginger
from my bedtime storybooks. -- a strong opening stanza.

Played a game of hide n seek
with my memory’s hidden zoo
of hippos, zebras, lion’s cubs
wearing neon: Can’t find me! --the reading gets jagged here. It falls into a natural flow when listing the animals, but breaks it abruptly with the line "wearing neon" and the colon. Maybe replace it with "shouting: Can't find me!"

It jumped ship in tiger seas,
lacking mettle made of steel, -- this line doesn't work. Mettle isn't made of steel:p Lacking is negative, and metaphors don't work well in the negative.
canvas sails flapped drab and empty
and eye-patched toddlers ruled the decks -- not sure 'and' is the best conjunction here flow-wise, or if one isw necessary. Consider 'while' or nothing
grinning down from seagulls lairs. } I like these two lines a lot

It dodged cannonballs and greyhounds
and kept at the chase so long
its shadow recrossed heaven
to land back in dermis coats. -- love the closing stanza, only I wonder if 'dermis coats' is the best. It sounds nice, but seems out of place with the dreamlike poem you conjured here-- a little too sterile. I think it'd be warmer to go for the simpler, 'back between my skin'

I'm certainly not an expert, so disregard anything you disagree with. I hope this helps