Post-Utopian
#3
(10-29-2013, 04:58 PM)Viktor Vaughn Wrote:  The lights went out.
No one ever told us why;
no official explanation on the television.
Radios became a hollow shell of hope
Devastating our mental barricades. Excellent last two lines. Redolent of post-apocalypse.

People broke down.
Moral codes became subjective
as our world was held captive. The rhyme here is a bit corny, which rhymes tend to be when they're not backed up by consistency and meter. I'd suggest replacing "captive" with "hostage".
I looked to the sky,
and I didn't see our stars. "Our" stars? A touch confusing. "The stars" would make more sense, but I may be missing a meaning.

Obviously life was different.
Cement skeletons with glass for skin Really good, creepy image.
was a new skyline, as we looked on
in our state of the art slums. Nice bitterness about this line.

The past holds no relevance,
the future holds no realism. Interesting.
Yesterday is a dream,
while tomorrow is a nightmare. These last two lines are cliche. "The future holds no realism" would be a sharper close.
My critique is purely JMHO, of course. Overall I thought this was a good poem. I think it's a metaphor for the end of a romantic relationship, and it contains some really good images, showing that you have a gift for suchSmile
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Messages In This Thread
Post-Utopian - by Viktor Vaughn - 10-29-2013, 04:58 PM
RE: Post-Utopian - by ellajam - 10-31-2013, 11:44 AM
RE: Post-Utopian - by heslopian - 11-01-2013, 10:51 AM



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