10-31-2013, 03:52 PM
For me, this is a big improvement from "I Should Have Told You".
Your images could be stronger and meter would help. Don't capitalize the beginning of every line unless it is starting a fresh sentence. If the line is starting in the middle of a sentence, leave it lowercase.
Also, if possible, try not to repeat words/ideas.
If you say "log", try not to say it again. If you need to revisit that thought later in the poem, I recommend using a different word "bark, trunk, fallen tree, oak, etc" this is just in general - of course repeating words has its uses. But I think its a good rule for the most part.
Another tip, you have no periods. Well..a few sporadic ones. You do have some commas.. but it would help in the reading if there was some punctuation at the end of sentences so the reader knew when to pause.. when to start a fresh thought.
It may help you see this if we turn your poem into a paragraph.
Across the room Head thrown back , laughing Laughing that robust chuckle of yours For some girl Some girl that doesn't know you. For a sweet while, I was yours We spent grey afternoons and black nights Many black nights, just talking. Back when that laugh was meant for me Down by the canal, Heads against an old log Our knees propped side by side"Cloudgazing", I called it And you laughed. Many days later My head still tender, bruised from that log I pressed it, prodded it And smiled Thinking of you. Now I watch you Laughing with other girls, nobodies But I feel your eyes on me And I wonder,If you wish I was still your one and only
Last tip, your first line is very important. It's job is to make us want to keep reading. "Across the room" could be better.
Hoping to help,
You are improving - keep it up!
Jenn
Your images could be stronger and meter would help. Don't capitalize the beginning of every line unless it is starting a fresh sentence. If the line is starting in the middle of a sentence, leave it lowercase.
Also, if possible, try not to repeat words/ideas.
If you say "log", try not to say it again. If you need to revisit that thought later in the poem, I recommend using a different word "bark, trunk, fallen tree, oak, etc" this is just in general - of course repeating words has its uses. But I think its a good rule for the most part.
Another tip, you have no periods. Well..a few sporadic ones. You do have some commas.. but it would help in the reading if there was some punctuation at the end of sentences so the reader knew when to pause.. when to start a fresh thought.
It may help you see this if we turn your poem into a paragraph.
Across the room Head thrown back , laughing Laughing that robust chuckle of yours For some girl Some girl that doesn't know you. For a sweet while, I was yours We spent grey afternoons and black nights Many black nights, just talking. Back when that laugh was meant for me Down by the canal, Heads against an old log Our knees propped side by side"Cloudgazing", I called it And you laughed. Many days later My head still tender, bruised from that log I pressed it, prodded it And smiled Thinking of you. Now I watch you Laughing with other girls, nobodies But I feel your eyes on me And I wonder,If you wish I was still your one and only
Last tip, your first line is very important. It's job is to make us want to keep reading. "Across the room" could be better.
Hoping to help,
You are improving - keep it up!
Jenn