10-31-2013, 02:15 PM
(10-28-2013, 08:18 PM)SirBrendan Wrote: I like it and I think I got some of the lines. Like others though, i sometimes got lost and didn't know what a passage was, which as a reader makes me almost defensive. This is just an idea, but maybe you could add a simple structure change by outright stating what the action is. What I mean is, for example
"Folding books into skulls-- I read
leaving eyeprints on ceilings-- I think
...
carving pennies out of scotch-- I lose
jumping into pockets of neon light-- myself
....
watering Gods video games-- I live."
I think that could make your words more accessible. It could be a terrible idea, but I hope if it doesn't work, it at least helps. Either way, I appreciate the weirdness and boldness of what you put out here
I'm really enchanted with the way you have dissected my poem. It's a sort of dual perspective on performing an action. Alice in wonderland style. Fantasy vs. reality. At least that's how I see it. Thank you!