From Outside a New Light

[jdeirmend]

The song draweth nigh,
for the singer doth deceive
A pedestal or a throne
for a basket without weave
To each seller is himself
Each himself to be sold
two penny for your strife,
all silver for half gold
Along and long tithe
since the river gave gain
A dark shift that drives on
a soft shadow through the rain
From ashes to ashes
For we all must fall down
A slim glance at king's eye
A fist curled for king's crown

There's perhaps some sort of sense that can be made of this. Even so, it reads like a list of cliched expressions fit together in a clever rhyme scheme. Some of the lines are incoherent, and the general message, if there is one, seems extremely obscure. Also, the general consensus is that the use of archaic word-forms and phrasings (draweth, etc.) is a no-no for contemporary poetry. Why the general culture of today's poets and critics frown upon all of this, I'm not entirely sure, but part of it seems to be that it lends sort of a hokey air to whatever you're writing.

My suggestion: try and get your lines to make some sort of coherent sense. For instance, let's take this sequence:

The song draweth nigh,
for the singer doth deceive
A pedestal or a throne
for a basket without weave

How exactly can a singer "deceive a pedesetal or a throne for a basket without weave?" The action denoted by the verb "deceive" simply doesn't apply here; a pedestal cannot, after all, be deceived, and nothing can be deceived for the sake of an inanimate object. Anyhow, I do not mean to be discouraging. I hope that gives you some clarity on what exactly it is you're putting out here for us.