10-27-2013, 01:02 AM
Wow, when I look at the whole of the poem, it comes off pretty intense--some very heavy subject matter. Some of the suggested revisions here I actually disagree with: 'Her, of my deepest affection' is a great line for me.
I do however have some critique to hopefully help. The line
"I feel empty
many tears,
have fallen from my eyes"
This bothers me. I really dislike when poems just state outright the writers feelings. There are a lot of better ways to convey these feelings without just clubbing us. You've used some great word choice in imagery in this poem as is, so I've no doubt you can fix the line.
This poem actually shares some similarities with my all-time favourite poem, "We Who Were Executed" by Faiz Ahmed Faiz. I think you'd like it quite a bit
I do however have some critique to hopefully help. The line
"I feel empty
many tears,
have fallen from my eyes"
This bothers me. I really dislike when poems just state outright the writers feelings. There are a lot of better ways to convey these feelings without just clubbing us. You've used some great word choice in imagery in this poem as is, so I've no doubt you can fix the line.
This poem actually shares some similarities with my all-time favourite poem, "We Who Were Executed" by Faiz Ahmed Faiz. I think you'd like it quite a bit
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
"Please don't kill me"