The Waters Drag me

[jdeirmend]

After the applicable critique I received from Todd I've pulled together this next poem, I appreciate any taking the time to read -



I sift
through diluted waters Diluted doesn't seem to add much here. Try putting it after blood
tainted in blood.
Of those I loved
Of those who sought elimination.
I see them all before me
speaking in tongues I shouldn't understand
and sing in songs sing is an improper form of the verb. Try singing.
of lives I have taken
and lost.

There he sits
within my cataracts
but a mere memory.
There, she embraces him.
Her, of my deepest affection cliched. Try an image to describe the affection.

They cannot be real

They're both here,
before me.
Caressing my trigger finger,
soothing my nerves
relaxing me.

But now wind gusts
cast them away,
I feel empty
many tears, awkward line break
have fallen from my eyes
but not tonight.

Where does my ambition burn,
but within the boilers of fear? this and the preceding line are good. Seem to evoke something.
It yearns for release.
To open the floodgates,
Would be to cast,
a decorative splatter
with the pulling of a trigger.
as barrel to brush.
So I paint the walls with my brains.

I hear them,
singing.
I step into the fog
To join them.

Hope that helps. I have difficulties digesting most contemporary free verse, so please forgive me if I came off harsh. The story you paint with this is interesting; it just leaves me wanting more concrete details about motivations, etc. The tale of a nameless killer preparing himself to commit suicide, after having killed loved ones for no reasons offered, is kind of a cold, shocking, disorienting thing to experience. It borders on crassness and madness, but maybe that's what you wanted to depict[/b].