The Poem I Meant to Write

[allykat727]

THE POEM I MEANT TO WRITE

I regret not writing you down,
You swam through my mind
Linking words and thoughts
With gossamer chains
That glistened with meaning, this line and the line before this is just beautiful
But the kitchen can was calling my name just a thought, but it might be nice to see this as a new stanza.
Using the voice of my wife.
There were skinned knees to be kissed, a gruesome and strange yet understandable image. i like it
Equations to be sorted out,
House rules to be followed. the duties of the practical life. a great contrast to the gossamer chains that glistened with meaning just moments ago

Has the opportunity passed? love this line here, all by itself.

Have you flown, like a caged bird
Through a conveniently open window?

Are you even now winging toward "even now winging" seems awkward to me but i love the continuation of the bird imagery
Another poet, a different writer? and i adore this idea, that a poem can flow through you and if you miss it, it may find someone else to speak to

I have the scraps, the fragments,
The word-pieces I had intended
To build you from.
I will try to arrange them so,
In hopes they cast the same shadow. i'm not crazy about this stanza... i think it needs something more. you can say the same think with just "i will try to reconstruct you." what does it mean to you to have the do that? is there any chance of being able to succeed? what does that feel like? and what imagery can you convey to show us this?

Like my grandmother’s smile -
You linger just behind my eye,
Waiting for me,
Wanting to be released
In just the ‘write’ form. i'm not sure this simile works. its a nice image, your grandmother's smile lingering just behind your eye. but your grandmother's smile is a memory, not a flow of ideas that saturated your mind and flew out the window. if you were to stay true to that concept, it actually isn't waiting for you. it has given up on you and moved on. and it isn't wanting to be released by you anymore. It is off in the abyss of elsewhere, finding someone else to release it. on a last note, i have mixed feelings about the pun. it is definitely clever, but i am not sure it meshes will with the mood of the piece.

Overall, I love the concept of this piece. However, I felt as if it started strong, but didn't really go anywhere. I think there is a deeper layer of this to explore. Thank you for the read!