Lunar Glow

[milo]

Thanks Milo. I got an A

congratulations! I am a little jealous, i have always wanted to take a creative writing course or a poetry course or whatever.

Thanks for your comments. The capitalization was really just me trying on something new... I think it's safe to say that nobody agreed with it, so lesson learned.

There is a deeper message in the poem and I can see I did not do a good job of conveying it because nobody seemed to understand it.

Despite the fact that most of the comments on this piece were negative, this piece managed to get A LOT of response. What should I take from this? Do you think people are just more likely to comment when they have something critical to say? Or perhaps it initially seemed relatable and readable and was easier to comment on than some other pieces? I don't know... I'm not sure if I should just scrap the whole piece or if there is actually something in there worth bringing out.

these are good questions and i think they are similar to those we all ask ourselves now and then. i can't speak for others, but i know that the reason i commented was mostly because you always seem to take comments for what they are - one person's honest attempt to give the most objective feedback they can manage in order to help the poem. In addition, you generally help others and are friendly and easy to get along with. If i see something posted by you I always make a point to read it and offer any insight I can.

As for whether you should scrap it? Only you can answer that for yourself. If it was me, i would. I didn't find enough unique or compelling in this particular poem about the moon and clouds and wind and whatever to merit much, but who knows, maybe you can really turn it around. It might not be a bad idea to try to submit it for the mentoring project as you seem to have a solid idea of what you want out of it but just need some serious surgery.

Thanks Milo, I really appreciate you taking the time

Just wondering, did you notice that I posted the original? It is MUCH different. I went back to give it a read and found it might be much more interesting to read. It is still cliche. But, the original was just a freewrite. I am starting to realize that I think I overedit my pieces, or I've just gotten into needless editing habits. I never seem to be satisfied... so I think right now in my writing career I may just need to abandon the stuff I've written and stop editing so much. What do you think?

This is the original...

I love those nights when the moon is full and bright.
And the sky is thick with clouds of darkness.
Somehow, the beauty of the moon radiates through
And every color can be seen, a lunar glow
Rainbows of light illuminate the night sky.
Pale yellows, pastel pinks, brilliant blues--
they blend together,
encircling the milk-white moon,
shining through the smoky billows.
I might even dare to say...
the colors are quite vibrant against the ashen sky.
The blanket of shadowy mass may blacken
an open sky that could be clear as crystal,
but such clouds can be seen to serve
more than just this purpose.
Perhaps it takes an unconventional eye to see
that when the moon’s light hits the charcoal sky
and the murky masses of matter,
there are little flecks of silver.
They further emphasize the luminescent colors.
It gives us the context to see that such beauty
is even more alluring among cruelties,
like the ominous clouds that obscure clarity
in the still and tranquil evening empyrean.

Thanks again for taking the time!

I just read through it quickly. To do it justice from a critical stand point would require another 10 or so thorough reads and I am not sure if that is what you are asking for here. If you are interested, why not post it as either its own thread or as an alternate version at least edited into the original thread. I think the original version is better to my tastes but does have some of the same issues as well as some brand new ones.