Dispelling Alphabet Soup

[ellajam]

I've read this poem likely twenty times now. There's something really interesting about it for me. It reads wonderfully, which is why the sort of dream-like phrasing is rubbing me so raw. You've clearly got a better head for meter and structure than I do, so I just want you to take your poetry to that next bit.

Again though, I'm just one reader and I'm certainly no Keats. I just know that whereas the sound was lovely, the message was totally lost on me. If it's there, it's too buried within itself. But the good news, and it's good news, is you have a tremendous advantage in being able to hear your poetry better than most. I'd really like to see you push out another, because I do see the potential.

There have certainly been poets on this forum 've read where I just want to stop, but you definitely aren't one of 'em

I really appreciate the feedback. Sincere thanks for letting me know it tries to get across but falls short. It definitely comes from an out there place. I've been writing poetry for a long time and published two books, this one did not make the cut. I wanted to put it in here to see what translated and what didn't you know. So really thank you and any more feedback is greatly appreciated. I'll be posting again, something more refined, and hoping to hear from you.

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Hi, Tempest,

I got caught on Breathing cumulo vapor and didn't want to go on. I still can't figure out how or why cumulo and en are used here.

But once I got past that I enjoyed the read. I particularly liked decay like so much disregard.

If you're not Shpongle, or even if you are, you might want to credit the quote.

Just a thought.

Hello. Because I can't bear the thought of you feeling caught I'll try to explain a little. Consciousness in a breath feels, to me, a lot like consciousness in a cloud. But ultimately leads to much quicker evaporation, or some such dissolution. En just because I like to play with words, hint at things. Would've been in, but en route seemed like such a short leap. I try to mean as many things at once as possible but if it just comes out as nonsense that's no good. So thank you. Any more feedback will be highly valued. Stay Shpongled.

I get the cloud, cumulus would have sat fine, it was cumulo that I never use. En route, nah, never made that jump.